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DEAR STATE DEPARTMENT

 

DEAR STATE DEPARTMENT, 

 

I RESIGN! MAYBE YOU DID NOT KNOW I WAS WORKING FOR YOU BUT I RESIGN! HERE IS HOW IT STARTED. I NOTICE THE LAST FEW YEARS YOU HAVE BEEN PAYING NEGRO MUSICIANS AND NEGRO ATHLETES TO GO HITHER AND YONDER ALL OVER THE WORLD SHOWING THE PEOPLE HOW GOOD WE ARE TREATED IN THE UNITED STATES. 

 

NOW, I DO NOT PLAY ANY MUSIC INSTRUMENT. I CAN RUN PRETTY FAST WHEN MY WIFE GETS MAD, BUT I HAVE NEVER BEEN AN ATHLETE. I HAVE NEVER SET ANY RECORDS..OR MADE ANY. WHEN I READ WHAT ADAM CLAYTON POWELL, JACKIE ROBINSON, AND RALPH BUNCH SAID, ABOUT HOW WELL WE WAS TREATED OVER HERE, SINCE I WAS GOING ON A TRIP TO MEXICO, I DECIDED TO VOLUNTARILY WORK FOR THE STATE DEPARTMENT, FIGURING THAT SINCE I SPEAK SPANISH, I COULD DO AS WELL AS DIZ GILLESPIE.  OR RAFER JOHNSON. THAT WAS THE FIRST MISTAKE. DO NOT SEND ANYBODY WHO SPEAKS THE LANGUAGE. ITS ALRIGHT IF THEY SPEAK THE LANGUAGE IF THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND IT WHEN IT IS SPOKEN BACK AT THEM. IF THEY UNDERSTAND THAT, THEN THEY WILL HEAR WHAT IS BEING SAID IN THESE FOREIGN COUNTRIES ABOUT OUR COUNTRY, AND THAT HURTS! JUST TEACH YOUR REPRESENTATIVES TO SPEAK BUT DON’T LET THEM LEARN TO UNDERSTAND THE ANSWERS. THEY COULD LEARN TO SAY THINGS LIKE “WE HAD SOME LITTLE PROBLEMS IN THE UNITED STATES BUT ITS ALL GETTING SOLVED GRADUALLY. NOW WE ALL GET TO GET TOGETHER AND HANG CASTRO AND SAVE FREEDOM.” NOW LATINS ARE VERY POLITE PEOPLE. IF YOU WOULD JUST SAY THAT, THEY MIGHT NOT KILL YOU. BUT IF YOU UNDERSTAND SPANISH, SOME ONE WILL ASK YOU ABOUT LITTLE ROCK AND THE UNITED FRUIT COMPANY. OR WHY DID ROBERT WILLIAMS HAVE TO FLEE CUBA. 

 

WELL, I TRIED, …BUT I QUIT. FIRST DAY SOMEBODY ASKED ME IF I THOUGHT THERE WOULD BE A WAR. I SAID THAT THE AMERICAN ARMY, NAVY, AND ATOM BOMB WAS THE GREATEST FORCE FOR PEACE IN THE WORLD. YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT I SAID SOMETHING FUNNY. ALL THESE MEXICANS JUST LAUGHED AND HOLLERED, CAME AROUND THE TABLE AND SLAPPED ME ON THE BACK, BOUGHT ME A DRINK, SAID I WAS VERY SATIRICO… I DID NOT UNDERSTAND THAT WORD. I TRIED TO GET THEM SERIOUS AGAIN BUT THEY KEPT ON LAUGHING. 

 

FINALLY, ONE OF THEM ASKED ME WHY ANY AMERICAN, DRUNK OR SOBER, COULD DRIVE ACROSS THE BORDER, WITH A THREE DOLLAR TICKET, GO ANY PLACE HE WANTS TO, STAY FOR LONG AS HE WANTS TO, BUT WHEN A MEXICAN WANTS TO VISIT THE UNITED STATES, THE AMERICANS DROWN HIM IN RED TAPE, BEFORE HE GETS HERE, IF HE GETS HERE, THAT IS IF HE IS NOT ON ONE OF THOSE BLACK LISTS, OR RED LISTS. AND IF HE BRINGS HIS MOTHER, THEY STOP HER AT THE BORDER, ASK HER IF SHE IS A PROSTITUTE, BEEN CRAZY, OR EVER PEDDLED DOPE. 

 

I COULD NOT ANSWER THIS SO I SHIFTED THE CONVERSATION REAL FAST AND ASKED THEM IF THEY WASN’T GLAD WE WAS KEEPING COMMUNIST INFLUENCE OUT OF THIS HEMISPHERE. THEY ASKED ME WHEN HAD WE STOPPED TRADING WITH TITO. I TRIED TO DEEPEN THE SUBJECT SO I SAID WELL ANYWAY THE UNITED STATES HAS NEVER STARTED A WAR, AND DON’T WANT TO INTERFERE IN ANY COUNTRY’S PRIVATE BUSINESS. WELL THEY BUST OUT LAUGHING AGAIN, BOUGHT ME ANOTHER DRINK. THEN I SAID THAT US AMERICANS DO NOT APPROVE OF CASTRO SHOOTING THOSE SIX HUNDRED WAR CRIMINALS. ONE MEXICAN ASKED ME ABOUT NUREMBERG, BUT I NEVER BEEN THERE, SO I COULD NOT SAY. I SAID WE AMERICANS DO NOT APPROVE OF KILLING. ANOTHER YOUNG MEXICAN LOOKED ME STRAIGHT IN THE EYE AND ASKED ME ABOUT HIROSHIMA. IT IS HARD TO ARGUE WITH MEXICANS. THEY ARE SO ONE SIDED. 

 

I SAID WE AMERICANS DO NOT APPROVE OF THE WAY THE RUSSIANS ARE TESTING THESE TERRIBLE BOMBS. THEY ASKED ME WHO INVENTED THE BOMB. THEY SAID THEY WOULD RATHER HAVE TESTING IN SIBERIA THAN HIROSHIMA. THEY KEEP JUMPING ALL OVER THE MAP. 

 

I TOLD THEM WE HAD TO WATCH OUT FOR RUSSIAN INVASION OF THIS CONTINENT. ONE OF THEM SAID HE COULD COUNT THIRTY-SEVEN DIFFERENT INVASIONS BEFORE SIESTA BY COUNTRIES LIKE SPAIN FRANCE ENGLAND AND THE UNITED STATES BUT HE NEVER RECOLLECTED A SINGLE RUSSIAN LANDED IN VERA CRUZ, NOR DID HE RIGHTLY REMEMBER THAT THE RUSSIANS TOOK TEXAS, CALIFORNIA, COLORADO AND ARIZONA AWAY FROM MEXICO. HE SAID THE ONLY RUSSIAN HE KNOW WAS AN OLD FARMER WHO HAD LIVED THERE ABOUT THIRTY YEARS, HAD A PLACE OUT ON THE EDGE OF TOWN AND ANYWAY HE WAS FOR THE CZAR. 

 

AN OLD MAN SITTING OVER AT ANOTHER TABLE SPOKE UP, SAID IN ALL HIS YEARS HE HAD NEVER SEEN A RED ARMY SOLDIER, BUT HE ADDED HE HAD SEEN A HELL OF A LOT OF YANKEE SOLDIERS AND SAILORS. SAID SOMETHING ABOUT HE HAD KILLED A FEW OF THEM AT VERA CRUZ, AND WAS WILLING TO DO THE SAME AGAIN. I SAW HE WAS DRINKING MEAN SO I CHANGED THE SUBJECT AND SAID WELL CUBA OUGHT TO FOLLOW OUR EXAMPLE OF FAIR PLAY AND EQUAL OPPORTUNITY FOR EVERYBODY. ONE OF THEM YOUNG STUDENTS ASKED ME WHEN WAS OUR LAST INDIAN PRESIDENT. SEE, THEY HAD ONE, BENITO JUAREZ. PURE BLOOD TOO. 

 

WELL, BACK TO WHERE I RESIGN. I DECIDED NOT TO PRESS ANY OF THOSE ISSUES ANYMORE THESE YOUNG FELLOWS DON’T GET A CHANCE TO TRAVEL. THEY DON’T READ MUCH… CAN’T READ ENGLISH. I DECIDED TO TRY TO GET AWAY FROM POLITICS….I FELT I HAD DONE MY GOOD FOR THAT DAY. THEY WAS ADMIRING MY WIFE, IN A VERY NICE AND RESPECTFUL WAY. IN SPANISH THEY CALLED HER PRETTY LITTLE DARK ONE. THEY WAS ADMIRING MY CHILDREN. ONE OF THEM GOT BROWN SKIN AND BLUE EYES AND THEY WAS FLIPPING BEHIND THIS COMBINATION. THE LITTLE ONE, THREE YEARS OLD, SHE SPEAKS BETTER SPANISH THAN I DO SO THE BOYS WAS GIVING HER CANDY TO GET HER TO TALK. THEY ASKED ME WAS I ON A FISHING TRIP OR WAS I GOING TO STAY FOR A FEW DAYS. I TOLD THEM, NO, MY FAMILY LIVE THERE. I GO BACK AND FORTH TO THE UNITED STATES TO WORK BUT MY FAMILY STAY THERE IN MEXICO. WELL, I HAD HAD FOUR OR FIVE TEQUILAS BY THIS TIME, SO WHEN THEY ASKED ME WHY MY WIFE AND DAUGHTERS STAY IN MEXICO, AND I HAVE TO BE AWAY FROM THEM SO MUCH, WELL THAT TEQUILA CAME DOWN ON ME AND I TOLD THEM THAT IT IS BECAUSE THE UNITED STATES IS NO GODDAM PLACE FOR A COLORED PERSON. 

 

RESPECTFULLY YOURS… I RESIGN. 

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